


intend or invent

by saturatedsinset



Series: tolerate it [1]
Category: All Elite Wrestling, Professional Wrestling, 新日本プロレス | New Japan Pro-Wrestling
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Flashbacks, Freeform, M/M, Unrequited Love, matt and nick are NOT FUCKING they are BROTHERS, set after Winter Is Coming
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-16
Updated: 2020-12-16
Packaged: 2021-03-11 01:53:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,818
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28117239
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/saturatedsinset/pseuds/saturatedsinset
Summary: Matt watches Kenny walk away, again, wondering why the pit in his stomach feels like surprise when anyone could’ve seen this coming.
Relationships: Ibushi Kota/Kenny Omega, Matt Jackson/Kenny Omega
Series: tolerate it [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2128650
Comments: 10
Kudos: 24





	intend or invent

**Author's Note:**

> i posted for the first time on this account last year after full gear, and also promised more fic, but then life happened a lot. anyway here's my second posted wrestling fic, Matt Is Sad About Kenny. set post-winter is coming with some flashbacks. there are flashbacks to events that included marty scurll, who is not mentioned because he is a fucking rapist.
> 
> thanks again to Enj for editing & partially inspiring, to Matt Jackson for being hot now, and to Kenny Omega for being a bad friend. talk to me about how hot and/or sad matt jackson is on [tumblr](https://saturatedsinset.tumblr.com/)
> 
> title from "At The Bottom" by Brand New (fuck jesse lacey)

Matt watches Kenny walk away, again, wondering why the pit in his stomach feels like surprise when anyone could’ve seen this coming. He should’ve seen this coming. The sight of Kenny’s back is more familiar to him, almost, than his face, more familiar than the smile he only wears when it isn’t for Matt, than his affection, than his vulnerability. Matt watches Kenny walk away, again, and it’s like he’s watching an overlay, ten versions of himself watching ten Kennys turn their backs.

And then he’s gone. Again. And Nick’s hand is on Matt’s shoulder, and Nick’s shaking him, asking him how Kenny could do this, and Matt doesn’t answer but he wants to say, _how could he not?_ And he doesn’t answer but he wants to say, _he always does._ And he doesn’t answer but he wants to say, _we will never matter enough for him to stay_. Instead, Matt swallows his words and lets Nick and Brandon commiserate. They’re talking over his head, their pain and surprise loud and harsh, trying to puzzle Kenny out, and Matt doesn’t say anything but it’s so obvious. Nick and Brandon are clutching at straws and Matt’s in freefall.

*

It’s three years ago, in the dingy grey-white fluorescent lights of backstage, and Matt is looking for Kenny. As usual. He’s tired, and his back hurts, and he just wants to go back to the hotel, but he’s looking for Kenny because he doesn’t want to leave him alone. The sweat is drying on Matt’s skin and he realises, inch by inch, hallway by grey-white hallway, that Kenny isn’t here, that he’s wasted an hour looking for a man who’s already gone. Here, in the arena, in the backstage cluttered with the echoing sounds of the show being taken down, Matt holds back the nausea that comes with the realisation that _he’s not waiting for you._

He doesn’t tell anyone where he is when he lets himself leave the arena, just goes to his hotel. The shower washes the sweat from his skin but every wave of water feels like a reprimand, like shame. Kenny isn’t waiting for him. Kenny was offered an arm while he was drowning but the hand he clung to wasn’t Matt’s. The streaming water washes shampoo into Matt’s eyes, or maybe he’s just crying. Ibushi saved Kenny, again, and Kenny didn’t even spare a glance at Matt as he accepted salvation.

By the time Matt falls asleep, the afterimage of his phone screen is burned into his eyes from checking for anything from Kenny. The silence follows him into his dreams.

*

It’s now, again, and Kenny is long gone, and Matt leaves his belt with Nick and walks away. Matt is always following Kenny’s footsteps too late, too far behind to catch him, too unsure of his own footing. Nick tries to pull him back, grabs his shoulder again and asks what’s wrong, and Matt doesn’t answer but he wants to say, _everything_. And he doesn’t answer but he wants to say, _me_. He goes home and as he closes his eyes in the car, lets the driver deal with the world, all he can see is Nick’s heavy concern weighing him down and Kenny’s breezy carelessness trapping him.

Before Matt gets home, the fire in his lungs has caught and he’s coughing sobs out like smoke in the car, but he’s not sad. He knows better than to be sad every time Kenny turns his back on him. Instead, he’s sad when he’s face-to-face with Kenny, stones in his belly that weigh him down because at a word from Kenny he would do anything and he hates himself for it. So he’s not sad, not now. Kenny has released him from that sadness, has turned away and taken his sadness and left him only with anger.

Matt would do anything Kenny asks, but Kenny never asks. Kenny is always abandoning him instead of reaching for Matt’s hand to cling to. Kenny gets to walk away and Matt is left here, sobbing in his car because he can never scream at Kenny, _I love you and you won’t even look at me_. And Matt would do anything, _did_ anything, but Kenny never even looks at him as he walks away. And Matt always waits for him to come back.

*

It’s five years ago and Kenny is all lost-puppy charm, already shining bright but unsure who to turn to. Matt can’t help himself. Kenny seems amazed that any doors are open for him, but he accepts, sticks close to Matt and for a while Matt pretends not to see the hunger in his eyes, a mix of want and need and something else he can’t quite pin down. But Kenny keeps looking at him, keeps reaching for his hands or his hips or his face, and Matt can’t say no to him to save his life, so he kisses Kenny back.

The first time Kenny kisses him, Matt sees, for a brief, brilliant moment, what Kenny sees, where the world is spread out in front of them and all they need to do is take it. And when he looks in Kenny’s eyes, he sees it, the genuine, diamond-strong belief that he can do it, that Kenny can reshape the world around him through sheer force of will, and Matt starts to believe it too. Kenny is made of contradictions, fragile as glass one moment, iron-strong the next, and Matt is endlessly intrigued by him. Catching Kenny becomes habit for so long that Matt doesn’t notice when there isn’t anyone to catch him.

*

It’s three years ago and the world is theirs. Matt takes his place beside Kenny and it feels like coming home. When they rule together, Matt feels transformed, skin and bone replaced by pure warmth. Kenny stands tall, pushes them all forward and pulls them up with him, and Matt can’t help but watch him, all spectacle and glory, dazzling and powerful. And Matt knows better than to follow unquestioningly but Kenny gets past all his critical thinking, Kenny can pull the strings of Matt’s instincts before Matt even knows he’s doing it and even once he realises he doesn’t think he minds.

It hits him, after AJ, after things start to break bad with the Tongans, that he’d do anything for Kenny. That when he steps up to stand with him, he’s standing for nothing more than Kenny. For nothing less. When he tries to tell Kenny, he can’t find the words, just tries to express everything it means in a kiss, and Matt doesn’t know if Kenny understands but he accepts it, grounds him and lets Matt give and give and once they’re lying together he touches Matt more gently than he’s ever been touched and he says, _it’s okay._ And he says, _I love you._

And how could Matt say anything but _I love you too_?

*

It’s now, again, and this time Matt knows better than to check his phone, knows that all he’ll find there is Nick and his goddamn earnestness, his worry, and that isn’t something Matt can face. Instead, he shoves his phone under his pillow and gets in the shower, lets hot water wash over him like it can wash away the cold Kenny left in his bones even though he knows it won’t. The water is too hot, turns his skin a bright, angry pink, but Matt doesn’t care. Maybe he’ll overheat and pass out and there’ll be a single, comfortable moment where he isn’t thinking about Kenny. Or maybe the water will scald him, let him actually see the pain Kenny causes instead of keeping it all in his head.

It doesn’t, of course. Matt’s vision blurs as he steps out of the shower, his head dully throbbing, and all he wants to do is lay on his bathroom floor and sleep, or cry, or maybe just stop existing. He sits on his couch and drinks his water and stares at his blank TV screen and he’s not watching anything but all he can see is Kenny turning his back, over and over. All he can see is the contempt on Kenny’s face as he leaves, again. Matt hates himself for it but all he can do is try to catch the threads of Kenny as they’re ripped away from him, again, and he hates himself for ever thinking Kenny was his to hold onto.

*

Three years ago, in the middle of the ring, a thousand faces looking on while five voices shout over each other, Cody’s righteous anger and Kenny’s exhausted defensiveness and Nick and Adam trying to find a solution. And Matt cares about his friends, so much, but all he wants is to see the tension in Kenny dissipate for just a second, so he reaches for him, wants to help, and Kenny shoves him to the ground and in that moment everything shatters. A split second more and Nick is by Matt’s side, checking on him, but Matt barely notices over the blood rushing in his ears and the sound of his own heart breaking.

Matt knows what happens in the ring later this evening, but he still waits in the arena after the show, wanders and tries to find Kenny and doesn’t want to leave him alone and _he’s not waiting for you_. And Kenny gets an arm to pull him up when he’s drowning, and Kenny gets to be saved, and Kenny gets to leave Matt behind, screaming and coughing up blood but the only person who can hear him is Nick, and Nick’s quiet concern is worse than any violence Kenny could do to him. And the only person he wants to see him as something to be saved hardly sees him at all, only has eyes for gold. Matt’s silver soul is tarnishing, and the yellow pages in his heart blacken as they burn up, and Kenny is gold, he’s golden, and he’s in love and Matt’s heart is burning with how much he hates having to watch it from the sidelines but he can’t tear his eyes away.

*

It’s now, it’s tomorrow, and despite his wishes, Matt wakes up. His lungs are still burning and his head still hurts and the anger is still thrumming through his veins but he’s so tired. In his sleep, he reached out across the bed and he woke up holding the spare pillow. After all this time, even his body wants Kenny here, wants the flashes of gentleness Kenny tries so hard to hide, and all Matt wants is to stop wanting it but he can’t. 

When he checks his phone, there’s six texts from Nick, worded like Nick’s trying to step around broken glass.

At least, Matt thinks bitterly, there’s always Nick trying to pick up what’s left behind, even when Kenny won’t spare a glance over his shoulder.


End file.
